Words Women Use

FINE ~ This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES ~ This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING ~ If you ask her what is wrong and she says NOTHING, this means something and you should be on your toes. NOTHING is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last FIVE MINUTES and end with the word FINE.

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) ~ This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over NOTHING and will end with the word FINE.

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) ~ This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by NOTHING and FINE and she will talk to you in about FIVE MINUTES when she cools off.



LOUD SIGH ~ This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over NOTHING.

SOFT SIGH ~ Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY ~ This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO ~ This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."



THANKS ~ A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say "you're welcome."

THANKS A LOT ~ This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

YOU'RE ATTENDING THE WRONG LAW SCHOOL IF...

*  Materials needed for Torts 101 include a baking sheet and apron.

*  Morley Safer and his camera crew are on campus more
   often than you are.

*  If you last the entire eight weeks, Sally Struthers
    personally signs your diploma.

*  Professors always accept 5th Amendment as an excuse for
    not turning in homework.

*  Every question answered with, "You can't handle the truth!"

*  Two words: Dean Wapner

*  Three hours a day of chasing a little metal ambulance
    around a dog track.

*  In mock trials, the judge always sentences you to a spanking.

*  Your roommate is on a "John Gotti Scholarship."


 

The list below was given to me by Vahn Ilkara, a friend of mine on Gaia.

-Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

--COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

--Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.

--Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

--Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

--My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

--C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN

--<-------- The information went data way -------->

--The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

--BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

--Access denied---nah nah nah nah nah!

--C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

--Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...

--As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

--E Pluribus Modem

--...File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

--Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

--A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

--An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

--A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.

--11th commandment: Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.

--Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

--Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?

--Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.

--RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure.

--All computers wait at the same speed.

--DEFINITION: Computer---A device designed to speed and automate errors.

--Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....

--Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

--ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

--E-mail returned to sender---insufficient voltage.

--Help! I'm modeming...and I can't hang up!!!

--All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

--Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

--"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

--Press any key...no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

--Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

--Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.

--Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_|"

--Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

--Read my chips: No new upgrades!

--Hit any user to continue.

--2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!

--I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!

--Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

--Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.

--Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup

--Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

--(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

--(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

--If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of
putting them in.

--Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.

--Programmer: A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate
objects.

--Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to
understand.

--XMODEM: A spot-marking transfer protocol.

--YTERM: A terminal program for queries.

--SQWERTY: Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.

--SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING.

--The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.

--Documentation is like sex: When it's good, it's fantastic, when it's bad...

--Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.

--BATCH: A group, kinda like a herd.

--Computer hackers do it all night long.

--Computer modelers simulate it first.

--Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.

--Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.

--Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

--The name is Baud......, James Baud.

--Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

--COFFEE.EXE Missing---Insert Cup and Press Any Key.

--C:VWINDOWS C:VWINDOWSVGO C:VPCVCRAWL

--C:VDOS C:VDOSVRUN RUNVDOSVRUN

--Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression

--BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

--BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

--C:V> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

--Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

--Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

--CONGRESS.SYS corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?

--SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

--Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...

--Press <CTRL>-<ALT>-<DEL> to continue...

--DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

--Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

--REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)

As I've Matured:

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, Some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon, and all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

These condoms are guaranteed. If you break, one you win a BABY!

Instead of taking your clothes to the cleaners and pay a bundle, donate them to goodwill or the salvation army. They clean them, you come back the next day and buy them for a dollar.

Ex-lovers make good speed bumps.

Ever wonder why we make vitamins in flavors so children will eat them, then child proof the regular flavored vitamins?

Why is it called a T.V. set when you only get one?

Same thing for a pair of jeans. What's one jean?

Remember this next time you meet someone that looks very bright to you. the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound.

The bravest man in the world? The first guy to eat an egg!

Does everyone envision duct tape around your mouth this early into a conversation?

If a woman uses a vibrator when she's pregnant, will the child come out stuttering?

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

Confucius say: Man who have happy dream, have sticky stomach.

A hard man is good to find.

I think my computer is a guy. I keep turning it on with my hands.

Good enough is never good, true?

Everybody has an opinion. Some of them just don't matter, though.

Don't play stupid with me, I'm better at it.

Don't let your mind wander, it's too little to go places by itself.

You're not going insane. You're going sane in an insane world.

May the Lord give me patience, but hurry!

Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one.

I was only looking at your name tag, honest!

It's funny until someone gets hurt. At that point, it's hilarious!

When life gets messy, vacuum.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Jesus is coming! Quick, look busy!

Acrorectophobia: The fear of assholes in high places.
Amathophobia: The fear of dust.
Anananany: The inability to stop spelling 'banana' once you've started.
Anatidaephobia: The fear that wherever you are, a duck is watching!
Androphobia: The fear of men.
Angoraphobia: The fear of soft sweaters and rabbits.
Anthropophobia: The fear of human beings.
Archibutyrophobia: The fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth.
Eonaphobics: The fear of transvestites.
Friendorphobia: The fear of being asked "Who goes there?"
Friggaphobics: People who fear Fridays.
Genuphobia: The fear of knees.
Graphophobia: The fear of writing.
Heortophobia: The fear of holidays.
Iophobia: The fear of rust.
Katagelophobia: The fear of ridicule.
Lyssophobia: The fear of insanity.
Peniaphobia: The fear of poverty.
Phobaphobia: The fear of fear itself.
Phobia: What you have left over after you drink two out of a 6-pack.
Phronemophobia: The fear of thinking.
Pognophobia: The fear of beards.
Quadriphobia: The fear of 4-way stops and not knowing who goes next
_________________________________________________________

Driving test answers:

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read: Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shitfaced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Why beat around the bush when you can go right through it?

Children learn what they live, men usually have to be retrained.

Life is like surfing, you might catch a good wave and it will be a fun ride, but watch out for those sharks.

If you get in a car accident, don't forget your car.

People with large noses can smell the better things in life.

If you have sex with a siamese twin, is it considered a threesome?

Christmas is like having a bad cold. Some people are very happy when it is all over and done with.

Worry: The first time you can't get an erection the second time. PANIC: The second time you can't get an erection the first time.

Eat, drink, and be fat and drunk.

Why are sports grounds called stands when everyone sits?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. If it still doesn't work, redefine success.

Where there's a will there's a way, but what if your name is Will?

No matter how hard you try, you can't fall off the floor!

I'm herpes-free today.

Raising children is like being pecked to death by a chicken.

Women should not have children after 35. Really...35 children are enough.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.

Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.

When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.

I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a dollar at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted.

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18.

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

I earn a seven figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from the sky unassembled.

When life throws you stones, throw them back!

The killer that is about to call you, is already in your home.

At the first chance he had, Adam blamed it all on Eve.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it!

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire!

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do no walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone!

It may be your sole purpose in life to simply serve as a warning to others!

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help!

If you always tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything!

If ignorance is bliss... then why aren't more people happy?

If you are too poor to pay attention, opt for the installment plan.

Take her easy. If she's easy, take her again!

People would not worry so much about what other people think about them if they only knew how seldom they do.

The reason Santa doesn't have any children is because he only comes once a year.

You have done so much, with so little for so long, that you are now qualified to do anything with nothing.

HOME | Rules&Gods | Friends | Rants | Quotes and Stuff | Jokes | Link to Me | Movies